if i can run in heels then i can drive
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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