I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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