Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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