i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
