just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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