He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
