i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
