He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
