Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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