My nipple is on Facebook.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
