I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
accomplished twins. life is a go
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
