At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
