Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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