if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
