Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize