you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
