If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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