Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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