His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
