I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
