a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
