Fine. I'll sleep in my office
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
