so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
