just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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