you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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