This is not my ceiling
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
