May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
