i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
