I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
