I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
