i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
