I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
