god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
