Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
