I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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