I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
