dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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