so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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