I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
