at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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