remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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