i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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