Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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