I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
