I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
