There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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