Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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