the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He shit in the fireplace
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
