FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize