you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
