I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Dicks are not precious.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
