I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
