Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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