I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
