24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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