If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
