I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
