She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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