Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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