What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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