I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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