I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
