I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
