Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
