you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
