I think im going to throw up on grandma
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You are the jesus of drinking
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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