also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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